hog's head transformation
by mschmnged
Summary: a mismatch humorous story! snape goes to the dentist! draco likes legos and owns a luna sex bot! draco goes to a gay bar on accident and guess who he meets! harry! i promise hpxdm later in story
1. Potter’d Be Laughing His Balls Off

Ross 5

Denti Henti

 By Meghan Ross

2005 fanfic  
nc-17 version

chapter 1: Potter'd Be Laughing His Balls Off

"I don't WANNA!"

Snape whined as Malfoy Senior pulled him roughly towards the extravagant fireplace.  
The black marble fireplace, which is the size of the entire wall, roared with a burning passion,  
ready to swallow any victim who wanders its boundaries.

"Oh PLEASE, Severus, behave! You're acting like Draco!"

Malfoy whipped his silky blond hair back to reveal his contorted face,  
whipped with frustration, and glaring eyes, silted to uttermost annoyance.

"Am NOT!"

"Are TOO! Don't you dare deny it!" he spat back and thought,

// oh God, this is sooooo undignified. Potter would be laughing his balls off right about now. //

"De-NIED! Deny-y, deny-y, deny-y, and I'm NOT going!"

Snape pouted, throwing out his thin pale lower lip.  
He shrugged off Malfoy's slender hand, which was never labored by a days work, until today.  
Snape threw out his legs from underneath himself and attempted to fall back into an Indian squat,  
yet instead landed a bit weirdly into a rather…painful position.  
Wincing, he cried out,

"GAHHHH! Oomph! Ohhhhhhhh, I'm (groannn) NEV—owww… never going to a fuckkkii (ow) ing…" 

Lucius whisked over and clamped a hand  
over Snape's mouth, hissing,

"Do-not-say-that-here! Draco's still innocent! No need to poison his lung!"

"Its brain, not lung, Lucius, and… HEYYY! Draco is NOT innocent!" he bent in to whisper like a gossiping school girl, "Last week I saw him and… o."

"What? What?" Malfoy got anxious. "What's he doing?"

Snape just got an  
'not-telling-nomatter-what-cha-do-even-if-you-break-my-mickymouse-chemisty-set' look and crossed  
his arms in a childish way.

"Nut'n. He ain't do'n nut'n."

Malfoy Senior sighed  
and thought with relief.

// Thanks to holiness of the turtles. //

Suddenly, Snape got a glint in his eye  
and said slyly,

"Well, now the secrets out, I'll be headin' to a local pub!"

Lucius grinned widely  
and bid him farewell.

"Good bye, secret gym shower buddy! I'll keep an eye out for an appointment  
at a d… WAIT ONE FLAPPJACK'IN MINUTE! You are NOT leaving!"

"Awww, come on Luci… NOOOOOO!! COBSWABLIN HOCK-SMACKIES! LEMME GO!"

Lucius snagged Snape's arm and dragged him on his back towards the blistering heat of the fireplace,  
collecting dust on Snape's rumpled robes.

"You are TO going! I swear by the wings of Butty the Butterfly, you are going!"

he yanked him up and glared as Snape looked at his gray,  
once black, robes and commented,

"Lookie! Dust rabbies!"

"Dust rabies? Do you think they bite? Don't let it bite me!"

Lucius, have never seen a dust bunny before,  
freaked and let go of Snape's arm.

"Of coarse not! Don't be stupid cupid!"

"Don't be smart with me young… old…. Same-age-as-me-man!"

snatching up his arm again, he pulled a gold braided tassel by the fireplace's side and yanked,   
causing the shiny floo powder to fall from a trap door above into the chameleon flames.  
Snape was awed.

"Ohhh! Fairy dust!"

"You can be so easily amused, Severus." Lucius pointed out, shaking his head.

"Yeah, well, Draco plays with legos… so THERE!"

he slyly stuck out his slimy tongue.

"Your kids a…" Snape thought for a minute. "POPPIE HEAD!"

"How dare you compare my heir's head with… flowers!" 

Snape giggled at Malfoy Senior's abashed face. Suddenly, a blonde headed sneak about the age of eighteen poked his head out from underneath the family heirloom Prussian rug, and wailed,

"Whaaa??? HEYYY! Legos are TO cool! Don't insult my majestic plastic muggle blocks!" 

both Severus and Lucius just stared.

"How'd we not see him there?"

"Donno."

"Boy, listen to your da-da. We do not play with filthy muggle wickedness. Ok?" 

Draco just pouted and slithered back under the rug. Suddenly the rug began to shake and sniffle. Lucius just shrugged his slim shoulders and shoved the unsuspecting Snape into the emerald fire.

"HEYYY! THAT NOT FAIRRRR…" 


	2. Long Winded White Fat Bitch

Ross 7

Chapter 2: Long Winded White Fat Bitch

Snape could have sworn his nose had broken again. He was roughly yanked from the licking green flames as he raised his head to see where he was.  
White. Everywhere.

// Oh. My. god. //

he thought miserably as he reached out a hand to shade his blinded eyes.  
White walls, white ceiling, white floor, white EVERYTHING.  
Snape groaned miserably as Lucius just stood there, smirking and gesturing to a plump, frizzy haired woman.  
As she bustled nearer to them, her features became sharper.  
Short, round, pale, and fruity smelling described her figure, her chubby pug like face stared up, gleaming at them.

"hows may I helpth thee sirs?" she chirped in a mid-evil tongue.

She bounced on her toes with every word, mousey brown hair swaying. Malfoy Senior groaned.

// oh heavenly groundhogs//

he thought disgustedly,

// she's an Arthur of the round table freak. //

"Snape, my boy here, is here for his appointment."

Lucius struggled to curl his thin lips  
into a slight smile.

// God this is hard. How do cheery people do this//

yet it seemed to satisfy the fat woman, because she let out a pricing scream of joy.  
A near by old man stiffened like a board and fell of his white chair at the sound, but the woman just stepped over him  
(while crushing a few fingers of his) and dashed the two men towards the counter to her computer.  
Snape peered over his shoulder at the old geezer and asked apprehensively,

"is he dead?" 

the fat lady just snorted  
and replied more to the old man then him,

"of coarse not, he's pretending. GET UP YOU OLD FOGGY!"

// ok, I'm officially scared of this …supa scary place//

Snape fretted. The fat woman sat on her squishy beanbag when it suddenly popped,  
foam beads flying everywhere.

"oh dear,"

Children crawled out from under chairs collecting the foam beads and popping them in their mouths,  
choking soon after.

"that's the third one today. Ah well. Now let me put on my business face!" 

she screwed up her features in a really unflattering way and started to type really slow on the 16th century computer.   
Lucius sighed. He hummed. He tapped his foot. He waited! Never in his life has he waited!  
Even Dobby, that insolent, yet great foot massager, house elf wasn't this slow.  
He quickly calculated that the fat woman writes one letter per five minutes.  
Suddenly Snape giggled in slow motion and stopped clicking the button on the T.V. remote…in slow motion.

"it just doesn't work."

He summarized for Lucius, in slow motion.  
Malfoy Senior slapped Snape across the head in slow motion and hissed (in slow motion),

"that's the slow motion button, you fluffernutter!"

and snatched it away, threw it on the white floor, and crushed it.  
Lucius looked up and noticed the fat woman actually typed … really slow anyway.

"Severus Snape is it? Well, you'll want to take the stair well at the right to the fourth floor,  
take a left, go forward to the third hallway,  
hook a right into the twenty- seventh dark janitor closet,  
pull the right coat string to the left on the third yellow trench coat,  
not the yellow fur ones,  
and you should fall five feet to the left until you reach the sixth cave to the left.  
Take the seventeenth boat to the right;  
take it five miles down stream,  
then paddle to the third opening which you'll have to paddle seven miles upstream until you've reached  
the fifty- third beach.  
Tether up the boat with the third string of rope,  
not the twine,  
to the sixth pole to the left and walk till you've reached  
the second elevator hall to the right on the first full moon of October,  
you can enter by answering the eighth code to the right of the  
one hundred and fifty puzzles and pretzels on Christmas day.  
You should take the elevator up the sixty- sixth floor while singing,  
'I'm a little tea pot' in an infinite loop.  
Then, walk into the second room of the second hallway in the second building on the right  
and skydive until you land on the eighty- ninth red taxi,  
not the yellows,  
and walk to cherry mellows street in Florida by taking the third helicopter on the Butterworth hospital roof.  
Fly south to the first Florida on the right,  
then take a flighty train ride that outskirts the whole US territory  
once you realize cherry mellows street does not exist.  
Once you reach your own home,  
enter the only fireplace you have,  
toss five pounds of green floo powder,  
not the yellow because it doesn't exist,  
remember that,  
into your six feet high fire,  
and call out nincompoop.  
Once you find yourself in a stranger's home,  
ask the third dog to the right for directions.  
Once you get back here,  
I'll greet you and say what I just said all over again.  
I love infinite loops!" she added cheerfully.

Snape just stood there dumbfounded  
until he finally said,

"uhhh… I lost you by the third word to the right. Can you repeat that?"

"of coarse sweet! Ahem. 'uhhh… I lost you by the third word to the right. can you repeat that?' There! Was I correct?"

Lucius let out a loud exasperate groan and growled,

"GOOD GOD WOMAN! ISNT THERE A SIMPLER WAY TO GET AROUND THIS? I DON'T WANT TO WAIT TILL APRIL TO GET HIM BACK!!"

"of coarse there is, dear! Either he can skip the train ride and just take another plane again,  
or he can go into the second door to the right. The other way is simpler though!  
Thought I should tell you.  
We do try to keep things simple 'round here! But if you want to go the long way by going into the second door to the right, then fine, but it's longer,  
I tell you! Now you sir have to stay here with me, sir! We can talk while he's gone.  
Wanna see my children? Do you have any? Do they have your white-ish hair? I love the color white!  
You know what? I think I love your hair. It's so white! So that probably means that I love you, right! Well I think…"

Lucius about died when he heard the word 'love.'

"Snape,"  
He hissed fiercely  
while the woman continued to blabber  
about how she once dyed her children white.

"make this quick, you hear?"

Snape nodded and snickered  
as he walked down the bleached hallway.

// Nothing like a good snicker to hide how scared you are. //  
He thought, quivering.

Snape took a sharp turn towards the left,   
but was stopped by a quick shout from Lucuis.

"HOLD YOUR FLOBBERWORMS RIGHT THERE MISTER! GET AWAY FROM THE LITTLE DWARFS ROOM AND TAKE A RIGHT!"

Snape sighed and opened the second door to the right  
as the fat lady's voice drifted to his ears,

"my, my, Lucius! What a strong voice you have!"

Snape reluctantly closed the thick noise proof door and slowly turned around to face  
a womanly figure in a white trench coat standing with her back turned to him.

"hello, Professor,"

her voice drawled, dripping in the sweetest honey nectar sound  
Snape had ever heard sung in his ears.

"And what brings you to my office?" 


	3. Drill Till Dust

Ross 4

chapter 3: Drill Till Dust

Snape sighed and closed his weary eyes.

// I'm this far. I can do this. nothin' to it. It's just an appointment…//

"you can sit down, professor. I won't bite… yet."

The woman seemed busy with her equipment, so Snape quietly seated himself so as not to disturb anything and looked over at her, sweating persuasively.  
Her long dark brown hair was curled up in a tight French twist, and she didn't look that tall.  
As he quickly studied her slim body, she sharply turned to face him.

//what the hell, she looks familiar//

he franticly racked his brain for answers,  
as she opened her prim little lips.

"well professor, you're here for the… humnn…"

she flipped through the parchment on her clipboard.

"dentist appointment. Well, I'm your dentist."

Snape winced.

// God//  
he thought,

// I'm really not ready for this. my teeth are gonna hurt like hell//

she just giggled lightly  
and crossed her arms across her busty chest.

"you don't recognize me do you, professor? Your thinking 'who the hell is this woman?' aren't you?  
Heh, I'm such a- know- it- all, aren't I?"

Snape snapped to attention.

//know it all??? Oh HELL!! Its…it's…//

she giggled again at his horrified face.

"yes, it's me, Hermione. You must be remembering how you treated me. You must be thinking that  
I'll be sure to cause you extra pain."

More giggling.

"OH GOD, I GOTTA GET OUTA HERE!!!" 

Snape freaked and jumped  
out of the slick leather dentist chair.

"professor? PROFESSOR??? PLEASE CALM DOWN!!! SIT, PROFESSOR!"

"NO! NO! YOU CANT… YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!!!"

Snape pounded on the door and wiggled the doorknob until it clattered to the polished white floor.   
Hermione dug her long painted fingernails (white) into his broad shoulders and tossed him  
lemme go!  
back into the chair.

"I didn't… I didn't say I'd actually… actually do that!"

she panted as she held his   
flailing body down,

"I am going to make this… enjoyable for you, not painful!"

"you LIE!! You lie! You hate me so you want… ugh… me to be in unspeakable… lemme go! pain!!"

"NO! I don't want you to recognize me as Miss Granger! I want you to recognize me as Hermione!"

Snape stopped struggling  
and took a deep breath.

"you… you mean it? You're not going to drill into my teeth until they're nothing but dust?"

she sighed  
and lowered herself to his ear and breathed,

"of course I mean it, professor; I won't hurt you at all."

Snape questioned her as she backed away  
and picked out her tools. 


	4. Feed Me Bitch

Ross 2

chapter 4: Feed Me Bitch

"…and then little Boo rubbed that cute little button nose into his mashed potatoes and said,

"I'm a penguin!" isn't that just the cutesy cutest thing you ever heard?!

His very first words! At the age of two! Oh, he's such a cutie!  
What about you Mr. Malfoy? When did your child first speak?"

the fat woman blabbed and blabbed.

//God,//  
Lucuis groaned,

//I'm in WAY over my head with this. this is the last time I ever plan Snape's day. //

His mind wandered to the vision of Snape being tortured by being pinched to insanity by purple crabs  
at a point to where he'd never be able to open his thin vile lips again.  
He quietly laughed to himself until the fat woman put a chubby little hand on his thigh.  
Lucuis froze and looked down at the sausage fingers squeezing the pinstriped fabric.  
He speedily sat up and walked into the men's bathroom.  
Malfoy Senior sat on the toilet seat and hung his head in his smooth hands.

"this is just peach-peachy-peacher. I'm stuck in this hell hole and this… woman… is…is…oh god,  
I can't even say it! I need to get outta here."

He sat there for a few more minutes  
until a droopy face appeared over the side of the stall.

"hey, man, are you going to use that? This one is clogged with this green moldy…."

Lucius ran for the sake of his own sanity.  
He slowly walked back to the woman, the awaiting funeral.  
She grinned stupidly as he sat in a squeaky white chair and replied,

"Draco's first words were, "feed me bitch." And a week later he was on the phone discussing stocks  
and financial business."

He returned the grin with a sly smirk  
and thought,

//Maybe this will shut her up. To bad it's a true story. //

The plump woman just stared, shocked. Lucius rejoiced silently, until she suddenly snapped out of her horrified trance  
and opened her fat mouth once more.

"well, that's just lovely dear. I'm sure… I'm sure he's a real cutie. My little Boo, on the other hand…" 


	5. Programs and Fishing Wires

Ross 8

chapter 5: Programs and Fishing Wires

"sniff, sniff Why? Why? Snape must know my only weak spots…"

sniffle

"…the...the squareness, the shiny plasticness… the smooth slithering sensational …"

Draco stopped, listened,  
and slowly snuck his head out from under the heirloom rug.

"owww… damn rug."

He hissed as a loose looped string caught his pale ear  
and causes a trickle of blood run down his face.

"must make it with fishin' wire."

Draco grumbled and crawled out from under the rug. The dark room was completely abandoned and  
a small light burned from the dying fire.  
He dusted off his lovely black robe (nothin' but silk) and sauntered across the marble lined walls  
of the room into the large open hallway.  
Empty footsteps of his dragging feet echoed, answered by the nothingness of the gloomy mansion.  
He turned and clamored up the spiral staircase only to turn into more hallways.   
Hallways. Hallways. Hallways.  
Draco stopped in his tracks, did a sharp turn and entered a doorway into a large deluxe room. His deluxe bedroom.  
Yet he kept walking. Across his personal deep green lobby, though his contemporary living room,  
and up another flight of spiral stairs.  
Draco grinned to himself and stopped at a hefty emerald door. Thoughts, loads of thoughts caused his to slowly turn his head and cracked a wide evil grin.

"He. He. He."

He placed a slow quavering hand on the twisted shiny door handle  
and began to pull…

"and did you PLAN to leave me here all alone in utter boredom… by myself?"

a sexy woman's voice drawled  
from the opposite door.

//damn,// Draco thought//she was two feet away! How the hell did I not see her??//

she snaked up behind him and ran her small hands up his shoulders  
and down his clothed chest to pull him into a warm back hug.

"humnnnn?" she purred softly in his ear  
and nibbled it a little.

Draco froze.

gulp

"a heh heh heh, I...I...I...ughhh…what? heh heh, I don't know what you mean!   
Ummm… I thought the door to my bedroom was...heheh...this one! Yeaaahhhh."

"uhhuh, sure, your own bedroom, which you've slept in for 18 years… you mistake for this one now? Uh huh."

She lifted her perfectly shaped eyebrow  
and sniffed,

"exxxxplain."

"whoa whoa whoa, this happens to be my…um… old room!!" he swallowed.

"… ok, maybe from 10 years ago…" he continued,

"But I still do it, you know! I mean…ok. Ill …I'll just stop. Yep. Ill stop righhhht there."

She just laughed  
and smothered his ear in her honey- like accent,

"it doesn't matter. I would have found you. I always find you. And it doesn't matter where we are either…,"

she licked the side of his face.

"…Mmmmm, you've been a very naughty boy, darling, you must be punished…"

"Woo woo woo, well well, getting a bit…um…"

Draco was interrupted mid sentence by her sexy laugh.  
One of the pale small hands ran down from his chest, across his torso, and stopped to rest   
On the skin above his abdomen.

"Horny?? Hell yeah!"

the warm hand moved a little lower.  
Oh. suspense.

"Forrrrr…?"

Draco teased, knowing the answer.  
But he quickly ran out of cockiness when the hand move even lower,  
Almost there.

"ohhhh...," she gasped, "you know… I'm kinda programmed that way…"

Malfoy smiled slyly, which he has a knack for,  
Whirled around and exclaimed,

"I never thought you'd ask!"

And he whisked a silver key from the pocket her hand had been resting on  
And shoved it in the elegant keyhole.

"To Lego Land we go!"

The jade door swung open easily on its oiled hinges,  
to reveal an expansive room filled to the brim with every possible collection of  
legos in the world.  
Cities, towns, farms, and roomy castles grew from the evergreen carpet.  
Everyday people mingled with those of Star wars, pirates of the Caribbean, and the Canadians.  
Too fantastic to describe every home, every mansion, every office building and government off- limits land.  
A peaceful yet busy place.  
A representation of real and surreal life.  
Malfoy and the girl sighed deeply with happiness. How they loved this world.

"well," Draco whispered, "we have a subway to build."

"of coarse, and I think there should be a new highway. I906. the Crapitola family loses valuable time the other way."

Draco took towards New York downtown to his construction site  
While she headed towards the rural area. They worked quietly, and to themselves.  
The girl stopped after about two hours, and sighed.  
Draco looked up past the Burger King's slaughter house and waited until she said,

"You know, I still have to…punish…you, Draco."

gulp

"uhhh…"

she slithered her way past the diner and gay bar and came to rest at his frozen body.  
Her pale long hair shifted away from her face as she leaned forward,  
A slender hand slinked up and clasped around his head,  
Pulling Draco into a deep, longing kiss.  
Then a snog.  
Then a very dirty snog.  
But it still just didn't feel real.

chapter 5 ½: Get the Fuck On

Hi.  
This is Snape.  
Glad you could read this. hope you like it.  
I know, I know, shut the Hell up and get back to the damn story, right?

Suspense, suspense!

Your probably wondering who's story we're gonna write next, right?

Tension, tension!

And your wondering, when is the GOOD stuff gonna show up, huh?

Sexy, sexy!

Patience, Patience, fair readers and fantasizers, its coming. anticipation can be a good thing.

Yes, yes!

Plus it's a good way of entertainment. Keep you guessing.

Presume, presume!

And, being that I am Severus Snape, I do it to watch you students suffer!

Ha, ha!

Ok, ok, don't hurt me! I'll stop! I'll be a good boy, and get the fuck on!

Read on, read on!

K. Bye then. Ummmm… right.

Bye, bye!

oh, and Harry, because you didn't raise your hand in class…

you have 50 extra pages of Herpes Removing Potions homework.

Weasley, you too.

just cuz…I don't like you. 


	6. High Heels and Fucking Suits

Ross 8

Chapter 6: High Heels and Fucking Suits

"my little Boo on the other hand…sigh I give up."

Lucius looked up, eyes bulging in utter surprise.

//…give…up? She's stopping? Holy Crapital of Fruit!! This is a serious breakthrough//

The woman hung her head and slumped in the small white chair as it squeaked beneath her weight.

"you do not recognize me?"

Lucuis squinted and stared at her from different directions.

"Nope. Nothin'."

"seriously?"

"yep"

"you positive?"

"Damn straight."

"you sure?" 

"errrrr… yeah. As sure as the winds coming from that kid."

"humn."

That was all she could say. Lucius waited, but she just sat there, all depressed like.

"ahem."

Nothing.

"A-hem"

Still nothing.

"A-A-A-Hem!"

"oh…what?"

Lucuis shook his head in desolation as he realized he wasn't going to get an answer.

// I guess only sourness will get her attention. //

"ahem, if I might say so, you look like nothing but an obese pig-woman who's hyped up on drugs.  
That's not even half of what I think."

Lucius smiled to himself. Too bad he couldn't remember the name of that drug.  
The woman's head shot up and he expected nothing but that stupid grin she always had, but there wasn't a trace of it.  
If fact, she looked like a worn down overworked woman living in a life of despair and heavy burdens.  
He saw dark bags under her eyes and her face drooped lower than before.  
Her hair was no longer shiny and had lost its bounce.  
Her white nurse outfit went from white to a light grey and the air just seemed heavier around her.  
Lucius' heart almost skipped a beat in guilt as her new gloomy appearance took over.

" I'm not fat… oh that's right. My disguise. Oh dear. And to think I saw this coming."

"uhhh…wha?"

"come! Come with me."

Lucius was still overcome with shock from her gloom, and stumbled obediently after the dismal chubby woman.  
She quickly hustled him down the east corridor into an operating room for the patients who've got the dentistry needs bad. more white.  
The walls had large countertops lining them and large sliver pointy tools shining a-new at him.  
The fat woman carefully sat Lucuis down in the large white comfy dentist's chair and began her little story   
and Lucuis just stared on.

" you see, I'm Jane. Jane Umbridge. You MUST remember me!"

"wait a minute, Jane Umbridge?"

"yes! You must remember me! What a relief!"

"uhhh…"

Jane sighed exasperatedly

"you don't remember."

"nope."

"I work at the same place as you and once taught your son defense, then took over as headmistress…"

"ah."

"you remember?"

"kinda"

"good enough. Anyway, I'm not really Jane."

"ok, now your just confusing me."

"sorry, but I'm not really Jane Umbridge. This is a disguise."

"no, seriously, you are confusing me. Are you doing this on purpose?"

"no, no, I'm not, this disguise of Jane Umbridge is so I can pretend to be her."

"you do a very poor job of it."

"yeah, yeah, anyway, I started a new life…"

"why? Where? Who? When? How?"

"ooook, I'll start out like this… my name is Sybil Trelawney."

"hey. You're that loony professor who got her ass kicked when she prophesied that the minister would die  
from watching porno!"

"yeah…"

"Then when the minister was killed by a flying high heeled shoe from a hooker everyone thought Trelawney set him up!"

"yeahh…"

"and then…and then when the hooker said she was gonna run her through with the same steelio shoe,  
the professor disappeared!"

"yeahhhh…"

"so you're her huh?"

"yeah."

"what did the hooker look like?"

"that's not important! What is, is that I'm in trouble and I can't hide like this any longer!"

"come on, just give me her hair color…"

"I really can't be caught and sent to Azkaban! It was not prophesized!"

"or how bout her eye color …"

"It was told last to me in the stars that a man of white would come to me…"

"oh! a shoe size!"

"…but I didn't know what it meant by white! So I've asked every man with even the slightest hint of white to help me!"

"or maybe her glove size…"

" some of the paybacks were unreasonable! I won't tell you how many perverted Teens I've had sex with!  
Or the older guys who got blowjobs!"

"OH! I know! Cup size! Was it an F? D? even an A would be fine…"

" what the hell are you talking about?"

"I don't know, what the hell are you talking about?"

silence. Loads of it. Sybil just stared at Lucius, making him awfully uncomfortable.

"uhhh… can you please stop staring? I'll help! I don't know how…"

" they know I'm here. The ministry. They're coming tomorrow. It was prophesized I would be taken."

"then why are you asking for my help?"

" I can't die a virgin!!"

"oh… HEYYYY! What the hell?? I thought you said you've had plenty of fucks as paybacks!!"

"yeah I… HEYYY! I thought you weren't listening!"

"I heard 'sex' and 'blowjob'. It got my attention."

"whatever. Anyway, that was just a costume they were inserting their penius' in!"

"uhhh…" Lucuis 'uhhh'-ed.

Sybil sighed.

" …they were 'fucking'."

"oh!"

" I'm still a virgin, even if the costume isn't."

"is it uncomfortable in that?"

"am I still wearing it?? the answer is no, its not."

Trelawney tugged her wand out from her pocket and gave it a flick.  
The Umbridge costume faded away to reveal a thin, plain woman with large glasses which magnified her eyes several times.  
She had long frizzy brown hair and thin pink lips, like Lucuis'. The nurse/dentist dress shrunk from xxxxlarge to petite.   
Lucius had to admit, she looked quite nice. At least compared to that toad woman.  
And she didn't have that annoying upturned nose his x-wife had.  
Yes, she was quite the looker in his eyes.

"oh,"

"soooo…can you help me?"

"with what again?"

"my virginity."

"why me?"

"I don't know. I've just got this inner feeling…"

"me…me too."

"really? You have the eye?"

"well no, I lied, but do butterflies count?"

"sure."

Sybil swooped down on Lucius like the bugs she resembled and began to kiss lightly,  
but it's hard to do that when neither of the kissers have very soft lips. 


	7. Swollen Heads

Ross 7

Chapter 7: Swollen Heads

Hermione shoved Snipe's hair back behind his somewhat pointy ears and bent over in progress.  
Five minutes after polishing his teeth, the same greasy hairs fell out from behind again.

"UGH! I can't take this!" and with a flick of her wand she muttered;

"Greasfulfylous!" a light… and… something happened.

"WHAT DID YOU DO, GRANGER??!"

"I thought I told you to calm down. And Its Hermione to you, sir."

She spat the last word like it was a real nip in the ass.  
Snape still struggled, ready to strangle the little bitch.  
Yet he soon found himself magically bound to that annoying white dentist chair.

//Damn. She's a real nip in the ass. //

Hermione calmly grabbed the shiny mirror which hung from the ceiling and lifted it down to his face.  
Snape just stared.  
His hair… it was… not greasy.   
It was feathery and light… even cut for a fresher look.  
Severus just gaped.  
Hermione, looking at her work with approval, defiantly saw the improvement.  
His nose even looked slightly smaller and his face a lot younger.  
Yep, he was sexy for once in his sad, greasy life.

"oh… my fucking woodsmen, I'm HOT!"

"now don't go getting an ego… your heads swollen enough."

"WHAT WAS THAT??"

"I said your heads swollen enough. At least in the classroom."

"my head has to be swollen in the class room… it shows dominance."

"now what are we talking about here?"

"Swollen heads, you ditz."

"uh huh"

//what the Hell is SHE talking about// he pondered.

Giggling, Hermione stood up from the swivel chair she had been sitting in  
and gazed at Snape with those big brown eyes of hers.  
Snape just stared back, his newly cut hair falling in front of his face.  
Finally she spoke up.

"well, now that I'm using magic, I might as well keep using it."

She whipped the wand again and… something… happened.

"here."

Hermione handed Snape the mirror again.  
this time his teeth were a bright white, whiter than they've ever been.  
Not that he's ever had a problem with his teeth,  
its just that this is un-humanly white.

"holy shit."

"yeah, I know, I'm amazing."

"yeah"

"do you really think I'm amazing?"

"I guess you could say I'm ready to forget what a smart ass you were before."

"wow. That's… really great, you know."

Hermione beamed down at him joy on her face.

"I'm ready to forget the past too. Lemme see those teeth."

She bent down and peered at his pearly whites.  
Snape smiled wide, yet found himself looking down at her busty chest.  
a perfectly tanned cleavage popped out to greet him.

//ohmygod //

his clear eyes glazed over and bulged.  
His gleaming smile formed into a weird smirk of discomfort.  
Yeah, he must have forgotten all about the smart ass stuff.  
It's amazing what will change a person.

"Um… professor? I'm up here."

"GAH!! I didn't! I… I… AHH!"

// please no more of that frickin' giggling…//

Hermione did just that and slowly ambled towards the counter and back to him with a new, sharp, pointy thing.  
She just smiled some more.

"You know professor; your teeth are quite nice this way. I shouldn't even check!"

//how long is she gonna talk//

"It is my own work, so it should be perfectly fine…"

//humn… maybe I'll be asked to leave early…//

"… but there's plenty of time left so this will take up some of it…"

//she's still talking… how do I shut her up//

"… but I can't have you leave early… little (ha, ha, 'little', sure) Miss. Life's A Bowl of Cherries won't let you."

She pouted with those breathtakingly soft lips  
as she picked away at his ideal teeth.  
She looked him straight in the eye with every word,  
and Severus stared at the hypnotic movement of her lips as she spoke  
and…

"I'm really sorry bout her, but I also think she has a little thing for your friend. Giggle."

//…a way to shut her up…//

"…like that's going to happen, but isn't that Malfoy's father?"

//…humn… //

"Draco was one tricky bastard in school… oh I shouldn't say that to you, he's… umph!"

Snape grasped her small chin in his hands and yanked her face to his,  
pressing his firm lips on her soft ones.  
God, they were softer than her imagined!  
Nothing before had ever been so soft! Never in his sad, greasy life!

His softened eyes rolled into his head with the pleasure  
As he gently closed his eyes.  
When the time felt right, he let go of her chin,  
And pulled away from her lips with a light,  
'Smack'

She just sat there, staring with those large, puppy dog eyes,  
glistening with an emotion he did not know of.  
Her lips were slightly parted and redder, as well as her cheeks.

"I was right, that did shut you the hell up."

"That better not have been why."

"Huh?"

"That better not have been why, because then I wouldn't do this…"

And she leaned forward once more  
reconnecting the kiss  
Severus had broken. 


	8. The Girl Behind The Skins

Ross 8

Chapter 8: The Girl Behind The Skins

It never had felt real.

But they still were kissing,  
that skillful tongue of hers exploring his open mouth  
while her soft cold hand traveled up his abs. 

not many expected him,  
the richy rich playboy,  
to have such a tight bod, but he plays quiddich too,  
dammit!  
Not just Potter!

//Gah! Why am I thinking of him now when… whoa//

The girl had pulled his shirt off already!  
But why should he care?  
With his flesh exposed, there's more of a chance for her to…  
She was already going for the drawstring on his cotton black pants!  
Draco's eyes shot open to see what was going on,  
and saw she was already in nothing but those black lace panties.

//Oh God. //

she stopped kissing his chest to look up into his large silver eyes.   
Pausing, she gave a sly smile  
and jumped on top of him into another long dirty snog.  
Draco fell over and, legs and arms flailing,  
landing rather painfully on top of the pizzeria,  
Smashing it completely.  
And that damn fat bastard of a cook went right up his spine.  
When he arched his back to dislodge the little plastic bastard,  
still trying to concentrate on the sex,  
the girl swiped away the majority of the legos  
and yanked off his pants in a swift motion,  
giving him a quick rug burn.  
It hurt, but it was sexy.

Her soft lips trailed down his neck,  
Her bum wangling in the air as his hands caressed it.   
Wincing as she dug her fingernails into his sides,  
he looked into those gray, emotionless eyes before closing his own as hormones swept over him,  
controlling his every lustrous move.  
A cold hand ran down to his inner thigh a squeezed.

"mmmmm… I know you like that…"

he groaned out of lust and frustration.  
It was the fifth time she had said that.  
How annoying.

She still teased his body,  
Flicking her tongue at his ear,  
moaning in her soft little voice.  
He caught his breath…  
As her hard tits skimmed across his body as she moved even the slightest.  
Draco grabbed her by the waist, holding her cold small frame close.

But it still wasn't real.

//this is so ordinary. So… planned. Its… it's actually quite boring right now. //

he quickly maneuvered the girl to her back,  
tossing half the town out of the way,  
while being pulled into another tongue tied kiss.

She just looked up at him with those small emotionless eyes.  
Her delicate body was laid out in an almost military way,  
Stiff, straight, and emotionless.

//God, this is boring. I might as well just get it over with. //

taking a deep breath, he slowly parted her soft thighs and positioned himself over her.  
She just watched.  
Giving a slight frown at his thoughts,   
He went to grab his long hard cock, only to find it…  
Limp.  
As if nothing had ever happened.

//to be expected. //  
he thought with no shock at his find.

She looked up at him puzzled. This had never happened before.  
She had always kept Draco amused.  
It was her job. Had… had she failed?  
She just stared.  
As if she was waiting for it to come back.  
She always made him come.  
Yet this time…

"well now, don't look at me as if you didn't expect that."

"b…but master, I hadn't. what did I do wrong?"

"nothing. You're brilliant. It's just getting a bit old for me."

"why?"

he chuckled.

"Let's just say doing the same thing over and over since 8th grade just isn't exciting anymore."

"but… Draco…"

He stood up and grabbed his pants from the top of the Eiffel Tower,  
Tying the strings so they hung low on his slender hips.  
He chuckled again as he walked carefully towards the small window seat,  
Sitting right on the edge of the soft cushion.

The girl sat up, bewildered, in those sexy black panties,  
Long silky blonde hair tumbling down like warm sun rays.  
And just stared. 

Yet there is never anything warm about her.

Draco's head tilted towards the open sunrise as he sat in thought,  
Completely aware of the girl's unmoving eyes on his flawless back.

"I guess I'm just not into it anymore. Maybe I've outgrown this little "affair"."

"…Draco…"

"perhaps I need to move on and get a real girlfriend."

The girl's blank eyes widened and for a second,  
Showed a hint of hurt.  
"real" was what he had said.  
"a real girlfriend."

Draco sighed a lowered his head,  
His glossy blonde bangs falling if front of his thoughtful face.

"…or maybe… or maybe I just need to clear my head."

"yes. You need rest. I'll rebuild."

"But you must need rest as well…"

"no. I'm fully charged and ready to go. It's fine. Its what I'm here for."

Draco sighed a thanks and left the warm, cluttered room.  
Once outside, he let himself slide down the back of the medieval door,  
And hung his head in despairing thoughts.

The hall was dark and cold and poorly lit with only one lonely torch,  
His body sucking in the dreariness which surrounded him.  
The slight breeze chilled his exposed torso,  
Making him shiver.

//maybe I do need to grow up. //

//maybe I do need an actual girlfriend. //

//maybe… maybe I just need to clear my head. //

Draco fingered the clean elegant marble floor  
And tried to think other thoughts.

//I haven't been to Diagon Alley in a while…//

//maybe the rest of my friends will be there…//

//maybe she'll be there… that girl…//

Draco lifted his head and laughed to himself.  
There was no one else to laugh to.

Standing up, he beckoned his clothes and robe to himself and dressed  
As he strutted down the way he came from.

The lonely torch which was softly beginning to die sure wouldn't miss him.

//I don't think she'll want to see me…//

Left, right, left…

//…but I really want to see her…// 

down one flight, right, right…

//besides…//

left…

//…its ridiculous to have your nineteen year old boy still in your home…//

down two, across, right…

//… and for him to still be single…//

through the entrance, to the fire place…

// what's there to be afraid of//

floo powder… walk into flames…

// besides…//

"Diagon Alley!"

// it's ridiculous to still get your kicks from…//

whoosh

//… a robot girl. //


End file.
